Mind keeps wandering. I keep staring out the window.
The book in my lap? Still on the title page. My fingers? Frozen in place. I fear for the emotions and feelings that I will feel once I start reading the book. I fear the memories that will come back. And while I am in a good place now? I still fear the sadness.
I may be thinking about it too much, and I probably won’t really know until I start. But isn’t that the thing about fear? You just don’t know.
The book has a heavy cloud of sadness looming above it. A sadness that I’ve heard is like when the heart spirals into a deep abyss. A sadness that shatters the warmth love, quickly diminishing the feeling of comfort and security.
I mean, it is a book about cancer and death. And yes, while there apparently is some joy to the story, nothing ever bodes well when it comes to cancer.
I’ve read many stories about cancer before. One in particular that shook me to the core. Will this one be the next?
*turns to the first page* I guess I’ll never know until I face that fear.